As a result of the shooting incident in South Texas when a lawyer was shot by the Vice President, a new set of Hunting Regulations Regarding the Taking and Harvesting of Attorneys will be enforced by the Texas Parks & Wildlife Commission.
Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies and vermin.
The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE”, or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships except on Wednesday afternoon.
It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels except on Saturday and Sunday.
If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap, bag, shoot or possess same. Use of any type killing device is legal including shotguns with the choke removed, high powered rifles, handguns of any caliber, all types and kinds of game traps and snares. Poisoning is prohibited because of the danger to rattlesnakes, coyotes, armadillos and skunks.
It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise such as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2
Two-faced tortfeasors, 1
Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3
Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4
Honest attorneys are protected under the Endangered Species Act and can normally be identified because they do not wear
Rolex watches, drive a Porsche, BMW or other expensive luxury automobile or wear $500 shoes and $1500 suits.